Birthday

Wooo.

By the time this is posted, I’ll be 25 years old!

……

Yeah this is probably going to suck.

Before I met my ex, I never really celebrated my birthday. Sure, I had the birthday meal with my parents, but that’s about it. Heck for the first 17 years of my life, I shared my birthday celebration with my brother (our birthdays are only 4 days apart). As such, I never really celebrated it. Or rather, I don’t even know how to – gathering a bunch of people to celebrate the day I was born makes me feel self-centered. So I never really bothered to celebrate it with others, just buying myself something nice and enjoying the day doing whatever I want.

That all changed when I met my ex.

Her family makes a huge celebration and party out of birthdays. It essentially becomes an all-day affair, going out to eat good food for lunch and supper. They also splurge on presents – we’re talking hundreds of dollars on each other’s presents. The weird thing is – I didn’t mind spending that much money to make someone happy on their birthday. And when my birthday rolled around, I got the same treatment. I tried to act indifferent, but deep down, the three birthdays I had when I was with my ex were the happiest birthdays of my life.

Now, I’m on my own again. Which means I get to celebrate it the same way I used to celebrate it.

I liked the presents, but they weren’t that important to me. Rather, there were just a few things that I actually looked forward to on my birthday.

The company.

The hugs.

The kisses.

I’m not getting any of these this birthday.

I Am NOT Your Parents

Four months since breakup, still grumbling about it.

A sudden realization came over me while I was thinking though – she treated me exactly like she treated her own parents.

Psychologists generally agree that your choice in partner usually reflects something about how you were raised. And a sad truth is that a lot of people are hurt by their parents in one way or another, and look to their partner to heal that wound. This is okay, but what usually happens is you end up treating your partner the same way you treat your parents.

This applies to both me and my ex.

She treated me like her dad. She ignores him. Although her dad provides for her, he tends to ignore any emotional reassurance that she needs. I’ve seen them go for weeks without even saying hi to each other. I feel like she’s taken a “put up with it” attitude. When she told me about her childhood, her dad was never there for her emotionally – the only time he spoke to her was when she did something to disappoint her. Maybe that’s why she avoids opening her heart to her father – every time she has, she’s been met with criticism and contempt, as well as ridicule for not knowing better.

Now she didn’t ignore me, but when something was bothering her, she never opened up to me. Each time we had a fight, she would simply shut me out and give me the silent treatment. I’ve told her how much I hated that as well, but I never thought about why she developed that habit. However, this is not fair to me. I would not treat her with contempt and criticism, and I never have. I would find a solution to make everyone happy – that’s how I approach everything. And if there is no way to make everyone happy, I discuss it with everyone to see if we can come to a mutual agreement. I will not tell her to suck it up or put up with it – so don’t treat me like I will.

I’m not innocent either. When I had a problem, I couldn’t tell my mother. She wasn’t emotionally stable enough to help me with anything. My problems would simply be brushed aside while she told me about her own problems. So I’ve taken a “fix it yourself” attitude. With no one to rely on, I’ll simply do everything I need to satisfy myself. If I didn’t fix it myself, then I shouldn’t expect it to get done. I never asked anyone else to give me a hand with anything, because no one in my childhood would.

But that doesn’t mean my ex wouldn’t. At one point, she would move the world for me. I shouldn’t try to come up with my own solutions to my problems. We were partners for a reason – we needed to work together. I shouldn’t try to fix everything myself and keep her around like some sort of trophy. She’s just as capable as me, and if we work together, we can get more done than if I try to “fix” everything myself.

Something for me to keep in mind for future relationships:

“You are not my parents, nor am I yours. I will not treat you like them, so please don’t treat me like yours.”

Faith

You need to have faith in the people important to you. You can’t assume they’ll fail, or they’ll hurt you, or they’ll betray you. Especially for true love – you need to have faith in your partner. They’re going to be your partner for life, so you need to believe in them.

Even when you’re fighting, you need faith in them. Faith that they’ll make up with you, and faith that they’ll try to correct their mistakes. Because you’ll correct your mistakes for them. It won’t be quick and easy, but you need faith that they’ll try anyways.

I wonder if this applies to my ex.

I mean, I need to change. I need to be independent and find myself again. But so does she. She needs to grow, change, be more independent, and more responsible.

So, shouldn’t I have faith that she’ll change, improve, and come back to me a better person than before?

Our relationship was still good. We had a few issues, but nothing major. A lot of small things that we didn’t know how to fix. Maybe this break will help us fix those small things, or at least learn how to deal with them better in the future. We were truly in love, and everyone saw it. Yes, she was unfaithful, but that’s just something along with all the other small things that we need to work on.

I’ll be honest – I don’t know. I don’t know what the future has in store for us. I don’t believe in destiny or fate, so I can’t just say “If we’re meant to be together, then we will be“. If I knew what the future would be like, then I can hold on for a brighter tomorrow. But for all I know, we will never have a future. Or if we do, our future will be miserable.

I want to believe that one day, everything will work out for us. I want to believe that she’s working just as hard as me to change her life for the better.

I don’t have faith in gods or religion. But I want to have faith in my ex.

I want to have faith that our relationship was something real.

I want to have faith that our relationship can work again.

I want to have faith that I can be loved.

Fast Forward Please

Time.

I wish time would go by faster. Unfortunately, I also know it doesn’t work like that.

I want to leave this phase of my life. It’s painful, lonely, and depressing. But I know that I can’t just skip it. I have to go through it and endure it.

Every. Painful. Minute.

I wonder how my ex is holding up. From what I’ve heard, it seems like she’s doing perfectly fine. But maybe that’s just an act. I know I’m putting one up. I wonder how long it’s going to take to get over our relationship. If it’s a full year, well it’s going to be a painful year then. At the very least, four months isn’t enough.

At least I’m functioning again. When we first broke up, I didn’t even want to play video games to pass the time – I just curled up in bed crying and hugging myself, hoping the doorbell would ring and she’d be there, apologizing and wanting to try again.

Sigh. This phase won’t be over until I’m living by myself. I have no concrete evidence that this will be the case, but at least that’s how I feel. I need to be independent again – that’s how I was before I met her. I wasn’t at my mother’s house because she was a terrible influence on my mental and emotional state.

That goal still feels so far away though.

Dream: Aren’t I Afraid?

A dark room.

Ah crap, this is a conscience dream.

Everything here looks foreign, yet familiar. That’s because they’re all things that were significant at one point in my life. The chair I always used to sit on. The torn up couches that we used to have in our living room. That old TV stand.

I know what’s going to happen next. I’m going to see my younger self, and he’s going to point something out to me. Something I’ve forgotten.

Right on cue, I spot a younger me, curled up in the corner. I was probably in grade 12 at that time, or maybe I just entered university. Wild, spiky hair. Jeans that were too big for me, held up with a belt. T-shirts that were a size too large, and usually had some sort of funny quote on them. Skater shoes. At least I’m better-dressed now.

I looked like I was crying, so I walked up to try to comfort me. My younger self asked, “Aren’t you afraid?

My younger self looked up to me. I knew what he was talking about. The lies, the betrayal, the failures, the deceit. Being wrong. Being right. Changing into a worse person. Losing sight of who I am.

I answered, “Yes, I am. I’m afraid of everything.

… But. I’m more afraid of doing nothing. Of being stuck in this miserable state.

I’m more afraid of my current life than I am of losing everything again.

Because if I lose everything again, it means I had something worth losing.

I’m Worth the Impossible

I succumbed last night. I did something that I shouldn’t have. I definitely regret it now.

I sent a text to my ex.

… She sent a total of 3 responses back.

I guess the depression set in last night when I realized I wasn’t ready for a new love interest. I’m only human. I knew I shouldn’t have, but a small glimmer of hope inside me was hoping that just maybe she was willing to have a friendly conversation. Nothing romantic, just a regular chat about stuff.

Guess not.

Yet I can’t blame myself for trying. I wasn’t going to bring up our relationship, or the breakup, or anything that might cause even the slightest conflict. Just what she’s been up to these days, how she’s doing, if anything interesting is happening in her life.

It’s probably too soon for either of us.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t try to have a civil conversation. I said nothing out of the ordinary, and I had normal intentions. All it means is that she’s still trying to figure stuff out for herself.

I’m a source of pain for her. But that does not mean I’m the one causing the pain. No, I wasn’t perfect in our relationship, but I didn’t go past the point of no return. She did. If talking to me makes her mad or uncomfortable, then that’s a problem with her. Not a problem with me.

I might be lazy at times. I might be stubborn at times. I get anxious easily, I worry over trivial things, and I have a tendency to fail miserably at my first attempt. My parents are toxic people. My relatives are overly competitive, and some of them are incredibly closed-minded.

But I always try. I work hard. I set goals and I improve drastically on everything I focus on. I keep an open mind about everything. Even when I’m mad and disagreeing, I always contemplate what others say after the argument. I’m quick to apologize when I make a mistake. I might try to take on more than I can handle, but that will never stop me from trying to take care of things that are important. I’m terrible at day-to-day planning, but I’m great at long-term planning. I have no problems doing something new and out of my comfort zone, so long as I have someone by my side or a love to wait for me. I have no problems with people looking at me like I’m crazy if the person I love is happy with my actions.

I am a damn great person. I’m worth every bit of love that I give. I’m worth facing the shame of your mistakes. I’m worth addressing your own parental issues. I’m worth making an enemy of every person on this planet.

This isn’t just a message to my ex. This message is to all my future potential loves, regardless of whether I know you yet or not. I’m worth the impossible.

Because I’d do the impossible for you.

Terrible Flirt

I haven’t flirted for over three years. Makes sense – last time I flirted was to get my ex. I’m secretly worried that I’m terrible at it now.

Wait I’m flirting!?!?!

You see, a cute coop joined my team at work. And I just realized I’ve been flirting with her a bit. But I’m hesitant to take it past flirting.

She’s a great gal. She’s funny, I get along well with her, and has a bit of a competitive streak to her. I’m genuinely interested in her, and I’d love to try dating her for a bit to find out more.

Except I’m not ready.

My ex is still on my mind daily. It doesn’t help that we picked out my car together. And I’m worried I’m attracted to this girl for the wrong reasons. Not to mention I’m in a vulnerable state. I’m clearly not over my ex.

It wouldn’t be fair to her. Of course, my close friends would say to go for it – I’d never know. They’re right – she could turn out to be everything I wanted, and I shouldn’t let an opportunity like that pass by. But that’s selfish thinking. It might be everything I want and need, but that wouldn’t make me everything she wants and needs. I’m sure she has her own story, her own relationship issues, and her own life issues as well.

….

… Damn.

I was going to figure out this dilemma by arguing both sides, but I already know what I should do.

I hope that she doesn’t get interested in me. As much as my little broken heart is crying for someone to come and heal it for me, I’ll have to reject her for now. I’ll tell her that she’s a great girl, and I’m genuinely interested and attracted to her. But I’ll have to tell her about my ex, and that I’m not ready for anything yet. I’ll thank her for her feelings. They’ll mean a lot to me, and I’ll definitely treasure them.

But I can’t respond to them now.

… Sometimes, I hate being responsible.