My Ex is a Child

I guess my ex is ashamed of me.

She sent a bag of my stuff with her brother when I met him for drinks tonight. No message about it or anything. I saw him and he had a large bag with him and he said it was mine.

Man, she must really be avoiding me. I guess she’s always been someone who tries to avoids her problems though. She stonewalls when we get into arguments. When she got in trouble from her previous boss, she quit her job immediately (even though it was technically her fault). She decided to cheat instead of talk to me about our issues. And now she’s avoiding me and anyone who has anything to do with me like the plague.

I’m a little peeved. I thought I’d at least be important enough to her that she’d at least let me know about stuff that involves me.

I guess she’s used to having people take care of things for her. Now that I think about it, even when she was on poor terms with her father, she made no efforts to approach the issue or correct it.

Whatever. I’m done.

I’m not even mad anymore. This is the kind of person she is. She’s not going to feel remorseful or guilt from this. If anything, she probably has a “If he wants me, he’d try harder and get back together with me” attitude, not knowing that she’s actively pushing me away whenever I try. Or maybe she thinks, once she’s done her little stint, I’d welcome her back with open arms.

Or maybe she thinks this affair with a married father will work out in the end, even though he blatantly admitted he’s just using her to escape his current home.

Whatever it is, I can’t be concerned with it anymore. She’s not even treating me as a fellow human being, she’s treating me like dirt. I have standards. And I deserve to be treated better than shit. I know this isn’t what she’s intending to do – she’s probably confused about her feelings and she’s trying to make things easier by avoiding me. But this is the result, and all it means is she’s too much of a child to face her mistakes.

She can talk to me once again when she grows up.

Manipulative

I wonder if I’m manipulative.

This isn’t a question about good versus bad or anything. Just that my actions have a hidden meaning behind them.

It’s kind of true I suppose. I cleaned up my mom’s house hoping that if I showed her, she’d be able to keep it clean herself. I bought my coworker food because I was interested in her and wanted to see if we could see each other outside of work. There were probably things I did for my ex because I wanted something from her too.

I say I do things for other people because I want to make them happy. But maybe I’m also expecting something back from them.

I’m not necessarily certain if it’s a bad thing. I try to be nice to people because I want to also be treated nicely by them or to make them more accepting of me. But maybe this mindset is precisely what drives people away from me. Maybe every time I smile, others see the hidden meaning behind it. Maybe every time I do something, others see the hidden thoughts behind them.

Is trying to influence others to behave or act in a certain way necessarily bad? It’s not like I’m trying to convince them to do something bad or wrong (well, maybe except my friend, but she also wants to do terrible things with me!). I want my friends and family to have good lives. I want what’s best for them, and I don’t try to make them do something they dislike unless they know it’s good for them.

But then again, who am I to decide what’s best for them?

Maybe I’m only nice to people because I want them to be nice to me.” This thought scares me. The thought that, deep down, I’m not nice because I want to but because I want something. Maybe I can’t love unconditionally. Maybe I need something in return from all my relationships.

Haaaa.

So yes, I am manipulative. I can blame my upbringing, my genes, my parents, but it doesn’t change the fact that I have manipulative tendencies.

Do I embrace this? Or do I change this?

Uncertainty

Hmm.

This thing I got going for me right now – it’s a great short term solution. It’s satisfying my sexual urges and my need to emotionally bond with another person by cuddling and embracing her. As a result, I’m more productive at work and home, I maintain my appearance better, and I work harder to improve myself.

Even so, I still worry about the future.

I mean, I can’t predict the future. There’s always going to be a degree of uncertainty as far as what’s going to happen next and what will become of me. Sometimes you should just take things as they are and try to have fun while you can.

But this probably won’t be good for me later on.

It’s better for me right now than being alone. But when it’s no longer beneficial, will I be able to leave?

Will I fall into my old relationship habits? Will I be stuck trying to hold onto it? Will I keep trying to make it work or make accommodations to keep this kind of relationship in my life?

I was kind of hoping I’d find out more about myself with this, but I’m ending up more confused.

She’s not a bad person. Maybe it’s just me.

Empathy

I really want to be more empathetic.

And it’s really hard because it’s like trying to read minds.

I know many friends and family say it’s impossible to read other people’s minds, so don’t bother trying. But I’ve read many books emphasizing the need to be empathetic and understanding of other’s emotions, thoughts, and feelings.

And personally, I agree with the books. We could all use a bit more understanding and a lot less conflict.

Though I say that, it really is hard to figure out what others are thinking.

I’m not going to lie – a reoccurring thought was “Why can’t they just be a bit more understanding?” whenever I have to put my empathy skills to work. No one else is trying, so why should I?

Then I remember I’m not doing this to be just like everyone else. I’m doing this so I can understand the world and the people around me more. I don’t want to do what everyone else is doing, I want to understand and know my peers, regardless of the ridicule I might get for being too sensitive.

Even so, I’m always tempted to hang up the gloves. I get defensive when I’m attacked, and I still get irritated when people inconvenience me. It also feels like I’m the only person who’s trying to see things from different angles, and whenever I try to explain my own thoughts will recognizing theirs, it gets dismissed or attacked. It feels like everyone tries to make me small, insignificant, and inferior to them just because I can also see their perspective while expressing my own.

But now I’m just ranting about all the inconveniences. At the end of the day, I know I’m going to keep trying.

And I know I’ll become a better me because of it.

Casual Dating

The realm of casual dating is a little weird for me.

I’m not gonna lie – I never thought I’d ever consider this kind of thing. I always thought I’d be more traditional, meeting people through friends or family, only seeing one person at a time, and not doing anything more intimate with them unless we’re considering a monogamous relationship.

I’m trying to figure out if this is due to my ex’s influence or my friend’s influence.

Well, I guess who influenced this doesn’t really matter. All I know now is I’m curious about casual dating and hookups now.

I’ve got my worries, of course. I mean, growing up you were constantly drilled about the threat of AIDS and other STDs that could be transmitted. Not to mention society generally has a negative moral view on it. There’s also the awkwardness (or temptation) from discovering someone who you already know.

But – and I mean this in the most non-offensive way humanly possible – I could use some experience in sex and intimacy.

It kind of sounds like I’m using others as practice. I can’t completely deny that either, since I know I’m still wet behind the ears when it comes to sex and knowing exactly what a woman wants. As dumb and shallow as it is, I do want to become a good lover.

I’m a little scared to delve myself into this lifestyle. I’ve heard the horror stories – crazy women, angry ex-boyfriends, breaking hearts, ruining relationships, getting hurt.

My biggest fear? Getting addicted and ruining my own future relationship.

But I’ve also heard this – You get to have some amazing sex.

But I guess this is where I am at life now – my monogamous relationship that I tried incredibly hard to keep healthy and working fell apart anyways. A tempting friend introduces the thought of casual dating. I’m 25, I’ve got a huge sex drive (I could do 2-3 times a day if we’ve got the privacy and time), and I want to get better at sex.

So I guess it’s time to take the plunge.

I Can Do Anything I Want

It feels like I’ve got my productivity back.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a super-productive day. It feels empowering to get everything you want done and then decide to do a few more errands just because you have the time and energy for it.

I’m gonna get to bed early tonight too so I can get into work without feeling half-dead.

I guess my current life isn’t so bad anymore.

I wonder if I’m incredibly needy and dependent. It seems like the reason I feel so energized lately was the human affection I got. It’s a short-term relationship, and it serves both our needs at this time. There’s no telling when my needs or hers will change, or if we’ll end up giving each other more emotional scars.

But somehow, I’m okay with it.

I want to move out, but I know it’s not going to be for a while. I want to get out of debt, but that’s going to be a bit too. Advancing my career, travel, building a real relationship – those are all things that I want for my future. But they’re all going to take time. And once I get them, I’m sure new and different problems will arise – problems I haven’t dealt with before.

So I might as well enjoy this for a bit. I’ve got a great career to work with, extended family happy to see me, and someone to help with my sexual urges. Even if this friend runs out on me, I’m still an attractive and desirable person. I’m not perfect, but I’m still a great guy.

I feel like I can make anything work.

I felt similar when I first met my ex. We were madly in love at the time, and I felt that I could make anything work, as well as keep the relationship happy.

This time it’s a bit different. I can make anything work, but I don’t have to make the relationship work.

I can choose to walk away if it no longer suits my needs.

Maybe that’s what makes this so refreshing. In my previous relationship, I felt responsible for mine and my partner’s happiness. Later on, when I moved in with her, I felt responsible for her and her family’s happiness. I guess I couldn’t keep it up while advancing my career, getting out of debt, and planning to move out on my own.

But here – I’m only responsible for my own happiness.

Boxing

I told a friend the story about why I’m learning boxing – the need to be strong and the trauma with my sister’s ex. She told me “No one should ever have to go through that“.

She’s right. No one should go through that kind of experience. But people still have experiences like this, and I need to deal with it somehow.

If I look at this realistically, knowing how to box won’t help if a similar situation occurs. A knife or a gun would mean the end of me. Even so, signing up for boxing might be one of the greatest things I’ve done for myself.

I think it was more the helplessness that scared me – the fact that nothing I ever learned in life prepared or readied me for the situation. Even if boxing isn’t the perfect solution, at least now I have some sort of skill I can rely on in a physical crisis. Not to mention I’m molding a killer body.

Hopefully the day where I have to put this skill into practice will never come.

But if it ever does, I’ll be ready.