Slowing Down on Posts

Yeah, I guess I’m slowing down on these.

When I first created this blog, I wanted to do it everyday. I wanted to understand my own needs, wants, and thoughts better. I think of a lot of things on a regular basis, and blogging helped me keep my thoughts straight or flesh out other thoughts.

I wanted to fill a void left behind by my ex. Writing was a good way to sort out my thoughts and focus my energies on something else.

It’s both a good and bad sign.

The fact that I’m not relying on making blog posts is good – it means that emotionally, I’m in a better place now. I don’t have to rely on something like this in order to have a happy and fulfilling life.

On the other hand, I’m becoming less disciplined. Forcing myself to write even when I didn’t have any good blog topics was a good way to get my creative mind going. It also kind of feels like I’m giving up on my original intent, which was a blog post a day.

I’m not going to quit cold turkey – I’m just not going to guilt myself into doing this anymore. I’ll probably still be posting 4-5 times a week still, but hopefully this way I’ll have more fleshed out ideas and thoughts. I won’t slave at the computer until my eyes barely open and end the blog post in a comfortable way.

To be honest, I’m not sure why I’m saying this. I kind of doubt anyone regularly reads my blog posts.

But if you do, I want you to know I’m still going to be around. I’m not saying that I don’t like doing this anymore, but I want my posts to be fleshed out and thought out as opposed to my previous rant-a-day.

To all you readers, take care of yourselves.

You Are Not In Control

I’m starting to realize that I’m not always in control. Of course, you can’t control the things or people around you. But you can’t say you have 100% control over yourself at all times too. I’m sure everyone reading this can think of at least 1 or 2 things they regret doing.

There’s many things that can drive you to do something you wouldn’t normally do. Your emotions might make you say something you didn’t mean. Your feelings might hurt someone you wanted to protect. Your circumstances might drive you to thieving. Your upbringing might make you push away your loved ones. Your environment might force you to be violent.

I’ve always thought that I had to control myself. If I could control myself at all times, then I’d be an adult. Discipline was the name of the game here. Don’t let my emotions take over. Don’t let my feelings hurt others. Don’t let my circumstances make me do the wrong thing. Don’t let my parents affect my behavior. Don’t let other people make you angry.

And I guess this is the result – I’ve always hit a breaking point. I’ve always snapped or lost it. And then I spend the next while picking up the broken pieces of myself, trying to put myself together for another go at it.

No, I am not in control.

But, I am responsible.

This is something I’m trying to accept. I will get depressed, become unmotivated, make questionable decisions, and hurt others. Regardless of how much I want to avoid all of these, it will happen. And it’s because I can no longer say I’m in control of my actions at all times.

I guess I’ve always felt I should be. After all, society is pretty quick to point out when you’ve made a mistake. Even if you explain the circumstances, most people will tell you “Well, you should have done this“. Thanks. I know that’s what I should have done now. But at the time, this was the answer I came up with.

So no, I’m not in control of myself at all times. Sometimes my body won’t listen, sometimes my mind won’t listen, and sometimes stuff happens and I’m too busy thinking about what I should be doing that I end up doing nothing.

But I’ll still be responsible for my actions. I’ll still apologize when I’ve made a mistake, I’ll still re-assess myself when I’ve failed at something, and I’ll still make up for whatever lines I’ve crossed.

And that will have to be enough.

Aimless

I wonder what the heck I’m doing.

I mean, I have a general idea of what I’m doing. I’m working and trying to get back on my own.

But then what?

I mean, all my life I’ve always had some sort of goal. Get to university. Graduate from university. Find a job. Find a full-time job. Find a good job.

Now, I’m happy with my job. Of course, I don’t want to be in this position forever, but for the moment I have lots to learn and the work is fulfilling.

Which lets me focus my thoughts on my current life.

Which is pretty empty.

Well, I know I need to move out. But that in itself isn’t too difficult. So what comes next in my life? I don’t want to change careers at the moment. I’m not ready for a real relationship right now. To be honest, there’s nothing I can particularly strive for except getting out of my mother’s home.

Certainly, I’d like to get out of debt, but I can’t exactly speed up that process. I’d like to get into good shape, but once again it’s going to take time.

I kind of feel like I’m just floating around aimlessly. Some direction or goal to strive for would be nice.

Well, I suppose there’s trying to find a place for myself. Maybe it bothers me because my current goal feels too simple. Maybe I need more, or should strive for something more. Or maybe set more specific goals so I know what to work towards.

No sense worrying about things I have no control over. I should work on what I know needs to change. Move out. I can figure out the rest on the way.

The Rescuer

In relationships (not just intimate ones), whenever a conflict arises, people tend to assume one of three roles: Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim.

I generally play the rescuer.

Keep in mind none of these roles are bad in itself. They’re typically a stance you adopted as a child to deal with the problems and conflict in your life. The problem is when you never outgrow them.

Persecutors are very good at identifying problems. They’ll recognize when there’s an injustice or a situation that needs to be resolved.

Rescuers are very good at fixing the problem. They’ll go through possible solutions and, if the need arises, sacrifice a bit of themselves in order to resolve it.

Victims are very good at recognizing weaknesses. They’ll size up what they’re capable of and what others are capable of. They’re not afraid to ask for help, and they’re not going to try to do something they know they’re incapable of doing.

People tend to fall somewhere within this triangle – not many people are pure-rescuers or pure-persecutors. However, depending on where you fall in relation to another person, you’ll automatically gravitate towards the same role. For my previous relationship, I was always the rescuer while she was always the victim.

It’s fine if your relationship gravitates towards a certain dynamic. The problem is if the dynamic doesn’t change.

You need to be willing to assume all three roles for a relationship to work out. You need to be strong enough to say you have a problem (persecutor) when you see it. You need to be strong enough to resolve the problem (rescuer) when one comes up. And you need to be strong enough to admit to the problem (victim) when you have a weakness.

In my case, I need to persecute more and let others know when I don’t like something. In my ex’s case, she needs to realize she can resolve the problems that she encounters, even if she might not be the cause. A person that gravitates towards persecutor/rescuer needs to realize they can admit to being weak and powerless and still be a decent person because of it.

I’m a rescuer, and I have victim tendencies. I’m great for solving problems or recognizing if I can’t solve a problem.

Not so great at identifying the problem.

A Couple INFP Characteristics

The more I read about INFP’s, the more I understand myself.

I can definitely relate to what I see about INFP’s. And I like the structure – it helps me focus my thoughts and energies. Being put into a category, even if it isn’t perfect, at least gives me some idea of what my natural tendencies are and what actions I can take to improve it.

I guess the best way to describe why I find this so useful is that it gives me frameworks to work with.

For example, my leadership skills are more about cooperation and autonomy than it is about giving specific orders. My lack of leadership skills have always bothered me, but now I at least know what kind of leadership my personality type gravitates towards. I also now know of other leadership styles which, although they’re not a perfect match for me, I can adopt based on the circumstances and adapt it to my style.

Another thing is relationship and love. Unfortunately my personality type is the easiest to over-idealize current relationships. Not to mention we’re kind of needy. However, we are the most adaptive in relationships. We also have a strong sense of self, which is important to maintain in a relationship. Other personality types have different tendencies and needs for relationships, which I should keep in mind.

I’m not going to lie – learning about the different MBTI Personality Types have been great for me. I’m still looking forward to learning more about it.

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator: INFP

I was told about the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, and was curious about what my personality type might be. So I took several free tests (Too cheap and lazy for a real one), and I ended up with Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.

My personality type (INFP) are associated with “Idealists“, who typically strive for a “everyone is happy” solution. We’re quiet, sensitive, and have troubles standing up for ourselves. Apparently, more girls fall into this category than guys, which makes me a bit of an oddity.

The information about myself isn’t that useful – it just reinforces what I already thought about my personality.

What I’m really looking forward to is learning about other personality types.

After all, I find myself misunderstanding or being misunderstood by others all the time. Perhaps it’s because I don’t quite understand their personality. I’m secretly hoping that, by understanding all 15 other personality types (yikes), I’ll have a more thorough understanding of the people around me and how I can best interact with them.

I guess realizing that people have different preferred ways of dealing with situations is what’s the most interesting. I prefer to consider Feelings to make decisions, and I prefer to use Intuition to gather information to support my feelings.

Understanding the Sensing-Intuition versus Feeling-Thinking dynamics would be a great start. This would cover everyone’s thought process. Sensing-Intuition would determine whether they prefer to rely on current facts or the underlying theories. Feeling-Thinking would determine whether they’d prefer to make the most harmonic decision or the most consistent decision.

Which dynamic they prefer to use first is also important (which is where the Perceiving/Judging characteristics come into play). Do they prefer to gather information then make a decision? Or do they prefer to make a decision then gather information to support it?

Keep in mind this is simply preferences. Just because I’m an INFP doesn’t mean I can’t look at cold facts or make decisions based purely on reasoning.

But perhaps understanding the different preferences is my first step to becoming more of a leader.

My Ex is a Child

I guess my ex is ashamed of me.

She sent a bag of my stuff with her brother when I met him for drinks tonight. No message about it or anything. I saw him and he had a large bag with him and he said it was mine.

Man, she must really be avoiding me. I guess she’s always been someone who tries to avoids her problems though. She stonewalls when we get into arguments. When she got in trouble from her previous boss, she quit her job immediately (even though it was technically her fault). She decided to cheat instead of talk to me about our issues. And now she’s avoiding me and anyone who has anything to do with me like the plague.

I’m a little peeved. I thought I’d at least be important enough to her that she’d at least let me know about stuff that involves me.

I guess she’s used to having people take care of things for her. Now that I think about it, even when she was on poor terms with her father, she made no efforts to approach the issue or correct it.

Whatever. I’m done.

I’m not even mad anymore. This is the kind of person she is. She’s not going to feel remorseful or guilt from this. If anything, she probably has a “If he wants me, he’d try harder and get back together with me” attitude, not knowing that she’s actively pushing me away whenever I try. Or maybe she thinks, once she’s done her little stint, I’d welcome her back with open arms.

Or maybe she thinks this affair with a married father will work out in the end, even though he blatantly admitted he’s just using her to escape his current home.

Whatever it is, I can’t be concerned with it anymore. She’s not even treating me as a fellow human being, she’s treating me like dirt. I have standards. And I deserve to be treated better than shit. I know this isn’t what she’s intending to do – she’s probably confused about her feelings and she’s trying to make things easier by avoiding me. But this is the result, and all it means is she’s too much of a child to face her mistakes.

She can talk to me once again when she grows up.