Sigh. Sorry – another blog post about my ex.

Today, my best friend told me that he suddenly remembered something involving my ex’s boss. He’s going to tell me it tomorrow over lunch.

This is not going to be pretty.

If he’s telling me a story about the person my ex is with, chances are it’s a bad story. I know he’s telling me to help me feel justified, right, and superior to the guy.

All it does is make me worry about my ex.

Why do I worry about her? I hear all these stories about the guy she’s with, as well as her own situation, and it sounds terrible. But she chose this for herself. And she burned me in the process, leaving some deep scars in my heart.

But even so, I still worry for her well-being.

You know what? I love my ex. I still do. She’ll always have a special place in my heart, probably deep inside the scar that she carved out. Even after I move on, meet someone else who makes me forget about her, her imprint will still be there. And my heart will hurt when I see her get hurt.

I’m also realizing something else.

Chances are, she’s not going to realize how stupid she’s being. Most likely, she won’t think about me until this guy hurts her (from the stories I hear, he will). And by then, it will be too late. Because I’m better than a back-up boyfriend.

If she loves me, and realizes how terrible she’s been, and tries to reconcile, then that’s okay. But if she’s waiting until this relationship breaks into pieces, and then thinks about how wonderful I was to her, I can’t be together with her. I’m not going to turn her away – I’ll console her and help her get back on her feet, but I don’t want to be the person she turns to just because her relationship went south.

If she only thinks of me after she gets hurt, then she doesn’t really love me. It will suck, and it will be hard, but my feelings are just as important as hers. Maybe if the relationship goes south, and then she grows up – finds out what career path she wants to follow, moves out of her parent’s home, reflects back on what she’s done, becomes more disciplined and mature, and figures out exactly what she wants in life, we could try again.

Trying again doesn’t mean forgetting about the past. No matter what, I’ll remember the unfaithfulness. We’ll have to talk about problems that might only exist in the past, in order to understand each other’s emotions at the time. It will take a long time for her to regain my trust. She’ll have to confront my family and friends, who are also hurt by her actions.

I’ll certainly try to do my part, but she’ll need to work with me to get through it. She can’t just say “it’s the past, forget about it” or “does that really matter?“, because it will be important to me. It’s going to be excruciatingly difficult, for the both of us.

If she grows up, and she’s willing to take the hardest path out there for love, and we both have a bit of luck on our sides…

… Then maybe.

Not Good Enough

I need to be smarter.

Everyday, I pour over self-help books. Anything that can make be smarter. I’ve been reading a lot about logic, tools of logic, and inductive reasoning. I’m also trying to learn Mandarin, leafing through Mandarin phrasebooks and listening to YouTube courses.

I need to be stronger.

I work myself dead in boxing. It’s definitely tough, but I’m not going to quit. Some days I feel like vomiting, but I don’t have time to complain. What if I was in a real fight and I got tired? Need to push it harder.

I need to be more charismatic.

Trying to be more social again. Social media feels kind of awkward, but I’m becoming more active in it. I’m talking to coworkers and friends more often. There’s also books on presenting, being a leader, and working on a team.

I need to be more sensitive to emotions.

Meditating and keeping a diary is helping me with my emotions. I’m also reading books on emotional intelligence and laws of attraction.

I need to be better.

Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I know this isn’t healthy. I shouldn’t expect myself to be perfect. It probably stems from my childhood scars, where “not good enough” was the motto. Maybe if I did better in school, my mom and dad would accept me. Or if I cleaned up after my parents, they wouldn’t fight as much. They also seem to be fighting about cooking – what if I learn how to cook? Perhaps if I train harder when I figure skate, they would be proud of me.

And now I’m repeating it as an adult. Maybe if I was more sensitive to my ex’s emotions, she wouldn’t have cheated on me. Or if I made more money, I wouldn’t be so stressed out about it. If I had my own apartment, perhaps we’d have the privacy we needed. If I was stronger, maybe she’d be more attracted to me and not hurt me. If I had more friends, perhaps she would connect to my life a bit better. Or if I was a better cook. Or if I never forgot to turn off the bedroom lights. Or if I got along better with her parents. Or if I kept a to-do list of all the errands I need to run.

Or if I was more mature, I wouldn’t be so hurt over this. If I was more appealing, perhaps I’d have another love interest already. If I was more popular, maybe the social pressure would stop her from cheating on me.

Even though I know this isn’t healthy, I’m stuck in this unhealthy cycle of trying to be a better person. The reason things in my life don’t go the way I want is because I’m not good enough right?

Not good enough to please my parents and stop them from fighting. Not good enough to keep my ex faithful. Not good enough to have my own place.

I know none of it is my fault. But it doesn’t matter.

Because if I was better, none of this would’ve happened.

Insignificant, Being Used

I wonder if I’m insignificant?

I’m not just talking about my ex, although there is that. But my entire existence is insignificant?

I mean, there’s 7.1 billion people on Earth right now. Who’s to say that I’m someone important?

I’ve always had significance issues. After all, I wasn’t loved for who I was as much as what I did for my parents. My brother definitely cares about me, but he can’t worry about me everyday, since he has his own life to manage.

My parents and sister didn’t care about me. Sure, they can preach it, but the moment I bring up a concern to them, suddenly I’m being dumb, stupid, or clingy. They also all did something unforgivable to me, but then expect me to treat it as if nothing has happened. I’ve been betrayed multiple times by them, and used for the majority of my life. My brother actually put it in nice words – they’re takers, while I’m a giver. And when I’m out of things to give, they’ll still want to keep on taking.

Losing my lover. I guess I’m not over it yet. She was the first one to make me believe that I’m important to someone. I mattered, my opinions mattered, and there is nothing wrong with me. That’s how I felt when I was with her. But then I guess I drove her to cheat on me.

I’ve been going through a lot of psychology books. I know someone, somewhere, is out there for me. I’m not perfect, but one day there will be someone that thinks I’m the most important person in the world, and I’ll think the same for them. One day, I’ll look back at all of this, and I’ll laugh at how depressed I used to be. One day, this experience will make me a stronger person.

But deep down – I wonder if there’s something wrong with me that makes the people in my life use me.

Getting Used To Pain

Pain.

I never thought I’d get used to it.

I guess I assumed that one day, the pain would just go away. That I’d be able to think or look at my ex, and not have any surge of emotion swell up in me.

I don’t think that’s true anymore.

I had a dream last night – it was of the good old days. Me and my ex were together. I went into her home to grab something, and she sneaked into the house behind me and we shared a passionate kiss while our family and friends were waiting on the other side of the door. Then she hugged me – the way she used to hug me, never wanting to let me go but knowing she will have to at some point.

It’s been 4 and a half months now. It still hurts just as much to think of her now as it did before. The only difference is that I’m used to the pain now.

Just like how I’m used to being abandoned and neglected.

Just like how I’m used to being betrayed by the people I hold dear.

Just like how I’m used to being used for other’s benefit, without any regard for my own well being.

Just like how I’m used to being blamed for things that are out of my control.

I’m used to a lot of crappy, painful experiences. My ex pointed that out one day, and she didn’t like how my mom and sister treated me. She also thought that way too much drama and crap happens in my life. She admired how hard I tried to make everything work, and she hugged me every time I failed, since she knew that in a few moments I was going to try again.

I think I should stop hoping that the pain will go away one day.

I’ll just have to get used to it.

The “Right” Way To Love?

Ugh.

I’m not sure if I’m over my ex yet. The cute coworker has been lingering on my mind, but I’m still not sure if it’s love or awe that has me attracted to her.

Which got me thinking – is there a “right” way to love?

Romantic love has many forms. I’ve seen many different kinds of happy couples. Some are in an open relationship. Some see each other only once every couple of weeks. Some are constantly affectionate with one another. Some like their space.

I’ve been thinking that maybe there’s nothing wrong with how I love. I’m kind of obsessive. I get jealous easily (even of girls). I enjoy holding hands far too much. I don’t mind kissing and making out in public, unless we’re with family and friends. Even then, I love slipping ourselves around the corner or straying to the back of the group so we can slip in a quick affectionate kiss. I’ll always encourage my lover and believe they’re capable of more. And even if they fail, I’ll be there to support them so they can try again.

I’m terrible at multi-tasking, so when I play games or work I tend to ignore everything around me. I’m a little awkward in social situations, but I’m a great storyteller. I might seem like a know-it-all sometimes, but it’s really just because I read a lot of books. I know I come across as “my opinion is right”, but I don’t necessarily mean it as “your opinion is wrong” – I just want to present a different outlook that you might not consider. Sometimes I’m rash and I act with impulse, and sometimes I fret over the smallest details that aren’t really that important.

But if I do any of these, I’m doing it for love. When I say “I love you”, I truly mean it. I have a tendency to exaggerate, but I always mean what I say. I try to keep all my promises, and I feel very disheartened when I break them. I’m very self-critical, so treat me with care. I’d love to make everything perfect for you if I could, but I know I can’t and it pains me because that’s what you deserve.

I’ll always try. I’m not very good at giving up or letting go, because I’m great at finding a solution where everything works out.

I’m sure that someone will appreciate a man who will always fight for them. Who will defy all the odds, conventional wisdom, and everyone else’s opinions. I know there are some obstacles I can’t overcome, but that won’t stop me from throwing myself at them if that’s what I’ll have to do to make my love happy.

Someday, someone will appreciate this love I have to offer.

Travelling (Next Year)

I want to take a trip.

My life still feels… well, float-y. As if nothing is set in stone, and anything could still happen. I guess I feel insecure since I have nothing that’s consistent or reliable in my life right now. I don’t have a place to call home, nor some people to call family.

And it’s times like these that I have a strong desire to travel.

Of course, I don’t have the finances right now to do so. Not to mention I want a place to myself before I consider travelling. Asian countries seem pretty alluring right now – Taiwan, Japan, South Korea, China, Hong Kong, etc.

Simply put, I want to understand the world better. I want to take an extended leave to find myself – something absurd like a 3-month trip. It was something I wanted to do when I finished university, but then I met my ex and instead I rushed to be together with her.

I don’t regret coming back to my hometown to be with my previous love. At the time, it was the greatest decision I could have made. If I decided to go on a trip at that time, then I would’ve spent my entire life wondering what I gave up. I’m glad I saw the relationship through to the end, even if I didn’t think there was going to be an end at the time, and despite the way it ended.

But now I’m on my own again. No home, no family. Just like my last couple years of university.

Next year, I’m going to go on a journey.

And the person that comes back won’t be the same.

Life Will Never Be Figured Out

Life.

Still trying to figure it out.

Don’t think I’ll ever stop trying to figure it out. It’s a pretty complicated thing. Not to mention I don’t get a second try at it, and lots of things are hard on the first try.

Before, I was uneasy about it. I wanted to know why things happened, what caused it, how I can fix it, and how I can change it. I guess I’ve come a long ways, haven’t I.

Things will happen. This probably isn’t going to be the last time my past hurts me. Heck I’ll probably get heartbroken a few more times again. And I’ll probably hurt someone important to me again in the future.

It’s okay. I’m human.

I’m going to make mistakes. Other people around me will also make mistakes. I’m not going to know how to deal with everything, or even how to deal with myself. Nor will everyone around me. The only thing we can do is keep pressing forward, and try to remain as true to ourselves as possible.

We can’t predict the future, we can’t change the past.

For some odd reason, the Invictus poem comes to mind again.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

Think of the gate as the future, and the scroll as the past. It doesn’t matter how bleak our future seems, or how painful our past is.

We are the masters of our fate.

And we are the captains of our souls.